You never expected your child to be glad that you were getting a divorce. You knew they would be sad, probably confused and maybe even worried- but this anger? It’s intense. You struggle as you want to stay connected with your child, you want them to know that you are there for them- no matter what- and most importantly, you want them to know that they are loved. But they’re pushing back by yelling, throwing things, kicking things or just shutting off communication with you. What can you do?
Live About author, Cathey Meyer, created a guide that can be helpful when trying to figure out how to best approach your angry child.
1. Love your child and be there for them even if their words are hurtful. It’s important to remember that your child’s feelings, regardless of how negative are more important than your feelings.
2. Show your child love by expressing it. Show love by your words and actions when you talk to him/her, no matter how hurtful you feel they are being toward you.
3. Hold your child accountable but do not abandon them because the pain is too much for you to deal with. Be there to show them what is and isn’t proper behavior. As a parent, it is your responsibility to be available for your child and to take the low-blows until the issues have been worked out. You don’t get to avoid your child or the anger your child is feeling.
4. If they won’t communicate with you write them letters on a regular basis. Keep a connection going, even from a distance. With technology, it is easy to reach out to a child who is refusing to communicate. Send a weekly text or email to reassure the child you love them and will be there when they are ready to communicate.
5. Show an interest in their life, ask what they are doing and how they are feeling.Don’t allow your new life to cause you to lose interest in the needs of your children. You may have a new love interest and that may go a long way in distracting you from the fact that your child is angry. Just keep in mind that no relationship is as important as the relationship you have with your child. So, don’t put new relationships before mending the fractured relationship you have with an angry child.
6. If the anger continues, be willing to go to therapy with your child. Show your child that you will stop at nothing to rebuild your relationship. If your child refuses to go to therapy with you, go alone. If your child is that angry, you will benefit from talking to a trained professional who will help you deal with the pain and stress.
6. Don’t internalize and take things your child says personally. Keep in mind that the anger is coming from fear of losing you as a parent.
Wear a thick layer of emotional armor but, don’t allow disrespect for who you are as a parent.
8. If your child has questions and needs to talk about the divorce be willing to listen and respond. You need to try and see things from their perspective. And, tune them out will only cause the anger to grow and them to lose trust in you.
9. Ask other family members to intervene. Ask them to talk to your child in a positive manner about the importance of the parent/child relationship. Only ask one or two, though. You don’t want the entire family ganging up on your child. Keep it simple!
10. Heal your own pain. You may feel rejected and hurt but it’s important you stay strong for your child’s sake.
11. Do not put new relationships above the relationship with your child. Even if you meet someone new, continue to live in a way that lets your child know they are a priority.
To read the full article 11 Guidelines for Dealing with a Child Angry About Divorce